didnt sleep the whole night last night... cried... everytime i close my eyes... i saw him... i saw the event in the afternoon... i saw the pain in his eyes... i heard the sorrowful words i said... once again... i gave up... i gave up my decision... and let him be...

why cant we not even be friends? I kept asking myself this qs...
i made it with so many people... but the one i wanted most to befriend with, i failed...
am i really that difficult to socialise with? Am i really that despicable in his eyes? He really think I can forget him as time passes?
Today went out... most of the time I am just dazing... with siew kee next to me, i find some comfort in her. She is really a great friend. Too bad, I am just sucks in being her friend... a lousy friend i am... haiz...
oh yeah... and this stupid hair is really getting on my nerve.. red!!! aghhh... haiz... I really hate to dye hair.. esp. my hair!!! never mind... just 1 month... 1 month later i will get it black! Haizz... i must crazy to even think of this method...

he dun like me to dye hair, then i dye..
he dun like me to drink, opps.. i not goin drink.. cos fear liaoz

whatever it is, i will just do what he dun like.. hopefully he will find me a nuisance... hate me... forget me... ignore me... dun recognise me... best of all, slap me awake!

still day dreaming.. i am... dazing... staring... a big blank in my future... totally lose track of my own track...

guess the most regretful thing in my life is not able to let him understand and realise that i am not as despicable as he thinks... haiz... but what to do... right from the start, he dont even trust me... no matter how honest i am... then i rather he hates me...

sumtymes i juz wish... i wish everything hasnt start... but i believe god gave me this lesson to learn something out of it... Haiz....

Anyway... though he no longer treats me as a friend. I will still. Cos to me, no one can understand my feeling well as him de... so whenever he is upset, I just hope he know I will be there de... how far how near... i will just pray for him quietly and silently... cos I have placed this person deep in my heart and thrown the key away already... (U must be happy... then I will feel happy wor... xin fu!)

Just compose a song...

-=NuO YaN=-

zai wei wan de cheng shi li
xun zhao zhe ni de nian
hu huan zhe ni de ming zi
xi wang mong huan de yi shun jian
nen xun zhao dao ni de si nian

ni de mei yi ju cheng nuo
dou mai chang zai wo xin zhong
jin jin de wo zhe mei yi ju shi yan
fang bu xia de ai qing you you shui nen ti hui

(chorus)
yi ju wo ai ni bu nen dang zuo qi dian
muo hu de yan lei wen nuan wo de nian
yi ju zai jian bu nen dang zuo zhong dian
kan zhe shi wang de ai qing li wo de shi jie
wo zhi xiang zai ting dao ni de nuo yan

zhou zai zhe tiao man chang de jiu lu
yi qie hao xiang gen ben mei you gai bian
bi shang wo de shuang yan
si hu huan xiang ni de chu xian
zhe fen ai wo yong yuan shou bu hui lai

(translation)

walking in the midnight city, finding ur familiar face.
calling out for ur name, hoping the fantasy moment, i can find ur thoughts of missing me...

ur every promises, i kept it deep in my heart. holding on to ur every promises, i am still unable to give up this love. who can understand this feeling?

(chorus)
we can never take a sentence, " i love u", as the starting point.
tears in my eyes blurred my vision, yet warm my cheek.
we can never take a sentence, "goodbye" as the ending of everything.
looking at the disappointed love leaving my world.
i just hope to hear ur promises again.

walking along the long familiar old road,
everything seems to stay the same.
closing my eyes, i could feel and imagine u standing infront of me. this love of mine, i can never take it back...


nice song... hor?

I rehearse so many times to tell him wat i want to say... i want so much to tell him so many things... but in the end I kept to myself....

the darkest secret... of her confronting me... i decided to let it be the secret forever with me... i didnt tell him in the end cos i find it no point... so what if i told him? he will only link it to the spider web onli... :'( so what if i tell him abt my big plan... it will only destroy my plan... so what if I tell him i want to make him hate mE then? No point... If I have to carry this plan, i might as well carry it quietly?

I know how much sacrificing i made, how much pain i gone through... that's why i cant let him go through what i have gone... it is too painful to take it... but i only allow this hating plan to take place only if it doesnt involve another person but myself to get hurt... i know that this is silly... i know that i am stupid... but i wan to be stupid once.. i wan to be silly once... in love, i rather give up everything for someone.. than having someone giving up for me... i love him, and i wan him to be happy without extra worries... then i should make full effort to make sure all this happens... lame lame... haiz... wat to do... i know that till now he still think i plan everything... i am like a spider to him... webbing all my plans... but if that is his thinking... i will accept that... cos it is a way of expressing fear... why not? Good way of letting him hate me also... i duno... all my mind is blank... all my hearts are shattered... so extra hurt also doesnt matter... haiz.zzz...

i can lie to everyone in the world... y cant i lie to myself... why cant the feeling diminish? why cant the hurt subside? why cant he leave my hearts... many of a times, i really wish to tell him i can never forget this person, cos the love has gone too deep... many of a times i wish i can tell him i will be happy to see him happy... but why cant i say it... i am a loser... such a failure... i hate myself... :'(

todaw ... wat can i say... sorrowful day... i tot todae i gonna enjoy b4 i see him tml... how would i noe i would receive such a news? cut my hair... a new look but a more sorrowful life...

todae sk went to him to ask abt the letter... he tried to deny but later admit to it... he noe sk noe abt everithing... he told her alot too... he wun see me.. i noe the outcome tomolo.. he afraid tt he or me wun be able to 4get the other person... he dun wan to mislead... yet he wan frenxship... how silly? he cant even surpass his obstacles... i duno... but since he cant... i decided... i will path another route for him... to make him hate me... i know for everyone that understand this... this is going to be the sadest thing a girl can do... but i gotta do it... for his sake... i noe from the start i cant escape this path...since i cant let him like me... i can onli let him hate me... even to hurting myself... i must let him end his feeling for me.. i was misleaded in the start... i choose to deepen... now i realli felt like a fool... y cant he continue this... y must he do this? I duno why i cried again... i duno why i cried for him again... how many people actually understand how much i love him? for him... i can give up everything.. everything...
there i goes again.. another tear... for him... does he know how much shattered my heart was made... does he know that all the wound in my heart was made by him... does he know that... know how much i have sacrifice? just to maintain a friendship with him...
why must i love him in the first place? y him? y must i love him so deep... why must it be him... my heart ache again...
I duno wat is going to happen tml... i have no idea myself... will he just cycle past me or stop... i duno... i noe i cant sleep anymore... so be it...

avoidant

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla


You represent... naivete. So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmmm today sleep until very shuang de... den let that da mei nu- ms wat, sms me.. den i wake up lorx... hahax... she date mE! WAahaha... okok.. i was talkin abt asking me out for lunch and that... dun tink wronGliEx... hMm... in tHe End wE mEt Up N tAlK fOR aBoUt 3Hrs AT FoodCouRt at H-Mall... wOox~Guess What wE tAlkInG Abt nOrx... *HIM* HaizZ.... She Talk Alot Of SeNsE tO mE nOrx N rEaLLi GratEfU| 2 HavE sUcH fReNx... hEhE... bLaHz...

tOdAe hEaR h|s vOicE wHeN LiaN cAll mE nOrx... sUmhOw hEaRt AchE at tHe mOmEnt I hEaRd it... Haix... HaO tOnG kU... hOw??? I duNo wAt I M dOinG N Wat I Realli Want.. I seem tO knOw wAt I Wan, Yet I SeEm tO bE LoSt... I sEem tO mOvinG On... But I am HoldinG BaCk... I SeEm tO bE HaPpY nOw... bUt mOi hEaRt PaIn sO DeEp inSidE... LiAn Is RigHt.. I Cant AccePt aNotHeR Guy.. Cos I Gadge all from hIs StaNdArd... cOs I Cant GivE Up.. Cos I LovE Him... Cos I M HuRt tHoRoUgHly... Cos... cos... I Need Him... *sob* tell me wat i did to deserve this painss????? Haizz

How long le... I am still counting... 3 weeks le.. so fast... Haixx.. Last thursday, I got so pek chek, I emailed him tt Felicia wants the CD and i told him I wont email him anymore since he finds me a nuisance.

I dont know is it really that he find me a nuisance or he is really worried that I dont want to email him... the next day he passed the CD and a msg to 3rd mei... " Every thing can be resolved in a more peaceful and matured ways"

How matured is his matured? By running away, by avoiding, by changing of attitude, not letting me know what is exactly the anger in him... and ignoring me?

Then how immatured have i been? Asking him why, emailing to check if he is alright, retrieving the acct tt he had thrown away?

Haix... got very upset... esp. by the toy toy thingy lor... anyway wrote him a 2 pages worth or words. Talking abt the toy, his attitude, my feelings, his wrong assumptions... asked SK to pass to him but today she couldnt find him, so left at his table. Wondering now if he had seen it or read it. Haixx... fear, very fear of everything... i still cant cope with the fact of losing him. Everyday I just couldnt stop thinking norx... everynite i would dream of him... think of him... memories are like VCD, keep playing nonstop at my mind sia... So sad...

Sometimes i wonder would it better if hadnt told me his 2 big secret and admit his liking? Sometimes i think i am too eager to know certain things that lead to my loss. I dont know lar.. Haix... cant i even retain this friendship? Why must god fool me... giving me a beautiful friendship, yet ending it so tormentaneously? Haixx... wO Ha| Sh| hEn a| n|... wU |uN n| Za| nA Li, wO dOu bU Hu| wE| n| mEi wAn xU YuAn, RanG n| GuO dE xinG fU KuAi Le Yi d|aN... zHi yinG wE| wO a| n|... (HeArtbRokE)

How Long Have I Not chat with Him? To be exact, it will be 2 weeks and 5 days. So long? Haiz... Did I mention that he unreg. his hotmail? Luckily, I retrieve it back. So I suppose I have to take care of it till he cares to take it back. But needless to say, his damn attitude came today. Without any thanks or something, he changes the password of the account. Haiz... Guess it should be fair that it is his now!?

I am so tired recently, there will always be this stupid headache eating my brain up like that... haiz... Guess the only reserve left is to see a doctor. I dont know why, but I got this unlucky feeling that it is not going to be something good. Probably that is the main reason for my change for today... I emailed him something that I never thought I would Have done. I decided to give up. I surrender to this fearful, sorrowful, tedious love I had. Probably the only true love in my life, but still I didnt regret. Today I have been yawning, I know how much sleep I am getting, 8hrs, aint it enough... this seems to be a sign of a bad omen... the headache also come and goes... so painful, I never achieve such pain in my life. Worse, it hurt from the back also... I dont know, but since I have start my first plan, I plan to move all the way to make him hate me to the core... at least I know he wont feel guilty when something happens. Right?

As I am typing, this stupid headache came again... haiz....

BTW, my cousin died. Haiz, really a sorrow to hear that. She is really intelligent, what's more, just obtained a degree from NUS last yr. Haizz....

http://straitstimes.asia1.com.sg/topstories/story/0,4386,213231,00.html

Many things happen recently, I really have no time to capture everything. Since the drinking accident, my relationship with my family improves tremendously, my friends starts to study hard for their exam... we are closer and we tend to understand each other better.
But I lost a friend. Although I kept saying that we are friends. but in his heart, I know how well he hate me, and how well he treats me. No longer a friend, no longer anything. Probably the next thing you know, he wont even bother to smile or greet each other when we walk pass each other. How bad is it? Haizz... Initially I want to hate xiao ping ping for all this problems, but I guess we should be fair in life. Since this are all fated, dont blame it on others. We have ourselves to blame for all this happenings too. But sometimes I really wish this hadnt happen, he hadnt avoid me to badly...
Today, during chemistry lecture, I never really listen. Cos the look at my lecturer, the look at the notes, the look at the topics... my mind went back to the days he taught me. Haiz, I hate myself for treasuring friends too much, I hate myself for clinging on to memories... I hate everything that is good about me...

But who knows... in time to come, something might happen... Gods know what it is... but anyway, I still waiting for this dear friend of mine to understand and come back to me. I still treasure him no matter what happen...

Haiz

Haiz, yesterday I tried my luck by walking down the street from Green to Point on my way to meet JT, NQ and xiao ping ping lor... i tot i was damn unlucky... how i noe last min, he cycle pass me... pass me also nv bother to say hi... i tink he was avoiding me lar... den i got so sad lor...
sumore i still duno how to do my presentation and my bio lesson, i really duno wat the lecturer talkin abt lar... haiz... in the end my mood went so bad lor....
last nite... they brought alot of liquor... 7bottles of E33 lehx... siao bo... cannot bring home also mahz... so i drank 6bottles in 5mins... wapiang... i cant drink properly sia... den got drunk... kaoz, spill so many things out... so paiseh sia... den i fall down until my mouth also bleed... haiz.. my teeth crack abit lehx... now my teeth so sore... haiz...

then they called him... walaoz, i noe he angry liao lor... cos they call him... xiao ping ping duno mention wat r/s thingy den he damn dulan lor....

tday when i wake up hor, xiao ping ping told me they call him... i was so angry... but i still duno they mention r/s thing... den later after i email him liao, then they told me... wapiang... i more pek chek... i really hate it when ppl do things w/o my permission lor... who is he to me tt he have to come down... ppl got family also lor... siao lar... haiz... then wat r/s we have?! Please lor, we are just friend lor... I also nv mention anything to her, y she spill nonsense out... I duno lar.... i hate it now...
haiz... 1 more bad news lor, he remove his hotmail acct liaoz... i tink he dun wan to talk anymore... 4get it lar... anyway i also not impt to him de... haizzz

i duno liaoz lar! already duno waste how many tears the whole nite... and today liazo... suan le... why make myself so tong ku...

Haiz... he still not online after so long le... i also duno lar...

this few days quite alot of things happen... now i got one more person stayin in my room... i also duno i did the rite thing ma lor... but then, i know it is illegal lor cos she is still underage mah... but she my friend also...

haiz... i duno lar.. i really wish she can go home... yet i dun wish to let her get beaten lar... i really pek chek lar... cos both our live is so different lor...

i need light to study at nite... she cant sleep with lights...
i need my bed... but i dun dare to tell her i cant sleep w/o my bed lor...
i need privacy, that is the most impt thing lor... but then it is not nice to tell ppl lar... i duno lar...
i really prefer to live a life of my own lor... i duno lehx... maybe cos i not used to stay with another person for a long time, i kind of not used to it lor... i cant sleep as usual... cos she sleeping on my bed... i hinted umpteens time that i want my bed... but she just slept there.. wat to do... i dun haf to heart to tell ppl off de... haix...
walaoz... i really cant stand it lor... i need to sleep lor... i need my own life... how?
Somemore my family is asking le... why she is always at my hse... i duno how to reply sooner or later liao lar...
i mean honestly speaking lor... i think she went abit overboard to think that this is her house also lor... pls lor... i duno how to say lar... but then... i just hate ppl taking my bed... i know i shdnt cos after all she is a "guest" but then... i really need a good sleep for my class everyday lor... how to sleep this way? I duno lar... fuck up liao lar.... Afgghhh... i wished i could scream all vulgarities out...

Duno lar................ i dun care liao lar... after this week, i dun wan anyone stay at my place liao lar! SiBei Dulan liao!

Hai... duno wat i shd say lor... 1 week le... for 1 week we never chat on net le... i realli very painful... i miss him alot lor... haiz, I also duno how to chat or talk with him... but i want to care lor... i duno lar... i really confused at my thoughts lor.. haiz... realli cant stand staying at home and stare at the computer... my thoughts always wander to him.. haiz... in the end went out with Xiao mei, 3rd mei, water chicken, Didi, Kaman and Xiao Ping Ping go out lor... to bugis shopping lar... haiz... den later, me XPP and NQ(3rd) go PS... actually i go school lar... hehexx... haizz.... got research sia... haiz... bu zhi dao lar... i realli duno lar... xiang ta xiang de hao tong ku...
sometimes i really envy those girls/guys that can give up on their love one so easily... y cant i? haiz... i dun understand why i must be so understanding to him? Why so caring to him? Y love him? Haix... it realli hurt u know? I Duno lar... hao tong ku!!!!

Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The
Pure. "I've been waiting in the dark for a long
time, shining my beacon of hope through the
shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your
eyes from me." The White Rose is associated with purity, honor,
and chastity. It is governed by the goddess
Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape. As a White Rose, you are a person of your word.
You may have a strong moral code, but
regardless of your virtue, you always stay true
to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of
emotional forms and it's just a matter of
waiting for it to bless you. Some people may
say you are too idealistic, but it's only
because you don't want to mess things up.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
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