I rehearse so many times to tell him wat i want to say... i want so much to tell him so many things... but in the end I kept to myself....

the darkest secret... of her confronting me... i decided to let it be the secret forever with me... i didnt tell him in the end cos i find it no point... so what if i told him? he will only link it to the spider web onli... :'( so what if i tell him abt my big plan... it will only destroy my plan... so what if I tell him i want to make him hate mE then? No point... If I have to carry this plan, i might as well carry it quietly?

I know how much sacrificing i made, how much pain i gone through... that's why i cant let him go through what i have gone... it is too painful to take it... but i only allow this hating plan to take place only if it doesnt involve another person but myself to get hurt... i know that this is silly... i know that i am stupid... but i wan to be stupid once.. i wan to be silly once... in love, i rather give up everything for someone.. than having someone giving up for me... i love him, and i wan him to be happy without extra worries... then i should make full effort to make sure all this happens... lame lame... haiz... wat to do... i know that till now he still think i plan everything... i am like a spider to him... webbing all my plans... but if that is his thinking... i will accept that... cos it is a way of expressing fear... why not? Good way of letting him hate me also... i duno... all my mind is blank... all my hearts are shattered... so extra hurt also doesnt matter... haiz.zzz...

i can lie to everyone in the world... y cant i lie to myself... why cant the feeling diminish? why cant the hurt subside? why cant he leave my hearts... many of a times, i really wish to tell him i can never forget this person, cos the love has gone too deep... many of a times i wish i can tell him i will be happy to see him happy... but why cant i say it... i am a loser... such a failure... i hate myself... :'(

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