Right from the start... i dont know how come i will fall inlove with him... initially i believe and recognise it as a crush... an admiration that would fade away... very soon... I never plan to fall inlove with a man so much older than me... but sumhow, sumthing abt him attracts me so much, increases my curiousity in me... i felt tt i wan to understand him and know what he is thinking... so i tested my luck by goin near him... but the last thing that come on my mind is to fall inlove with him... plainly because i didnt know i have fallen... i tried myself to console myself sum feelings are just uptight when u noe a person better.. meanwhile i have to cope with clearing the misunderstandings... till i finally understand what has happened... i fall inlove... everything i did starts to focus around him... for his sake, because of him... so much yet so minimal... guess this is all i can do for him... I tried to understand her... i tried to sympathise with her lies... yet i end up getting hurt...
after all, i just wan a friendship... a simple yet understanding friendship... but the problems lie with me... i fall inlove with him... how can i fall inlove with sum1 tt cant love me back... i used to think... but i would just end up falling deeper... this man changed my whole life... from am ambitious lawyer... i just wan to be a simple and peaceful teacher. and he would always be there, trying to pull me out of the love well that i fall into... and this went on for 2 yrs... till i start to realise he is falling into it himself...
i know i shdnt ignore this sign... i know i shd have stop him... but i didnt... partly because i dun know and partly because I dun dare to trust my senses...
finally he admitted his feelings... he reacted to the feelings... i felt a sense of lose... not lose him... but i realise everything have gone the wrong way... having him falling for me is totally out of my anticipation... and i felt so lose cos i duno wat i have to do... I admit i didnt want to end the feeling... but a part of me tells me that i have to... in the end i drag... the most happiest live in my life is the days working with him... i duno how to describe the simple happiness... but i just feel so happy just having him around me...
is it cos i drag too long? In the end he makes a decision to end everything before i open my mouth? Yeah, i think so... I was too uncertain abt myself for too long...
how can i ever be happy again? Not those fake smile i made this 2 days... but those sincere happiness i feel with him... i lose it... cos i was too draggy... because i was too draggy... things seems like planned b4 hand... he know he cant love me... he ends everything... was it because he is heartless in the way he ends it... or was it because i went nutx.?
But I know i killed myself the moment the word " end everything" came out from my mouth.
I killed my happiness, i killed my innocence...
Now I just wan to be a aluminium with a protective layer around me... now i just want to be like noble gases, react to nothing and stubborn to bonding... and most of all... a heartless me.
I know very well i can never get back my heart... it is with him forever... i know how well i broke apart... I know how well i am taking things... and i know how well abt wat i am doing...
Love no longers linge on me... and falling inlove would never happen again... I feared guys... whoever it might be... I rather keep all my love. There is no longer such thing as 100% love to another person anymore... i was hurt badly... totally... yet i still can forgive him, love him...
no one can take over his position anymore... No one can be my no. 1 except him lex...
but i cant be his... and i know... i know he is miserable to certain extent to... why should i let him hurt himself this way? Isnt there a way to let him live happily and forget watever feelings? Hate me... man... the only way to ignore me is hate me... when he hate me.. he would not care abt me anymore... but how am i goin to do it... :'(
I love him... I will help him de... haiz... who can understand how much i love him... no one... not a single soul... i am so lose now... totally no aim, nothing... one lifeless soul... tell me wat i shd do... how i wish my life ends the next moment... :'(
P.S. one day if u read this msg... i hope by that time u will realise that many things i really never do b4... esp. scheming this whole spider web... but for ur sake... i am willing to admit anything tt is accused to me to make u hate me... sorry.. i am realli sorry to hurt myself... but i dun wan to feel more sorry to hurt u... that's y i can onli make u hate me... the onli way to end all the miserable feelings in u... from the bottom of my heart.. i wish... and i hope u will be happy forever... i am not angry with ur decision, i respect it... i just want u to be happy... and may god bless u and ur family...
>.<~
Mood: Teary...
Himeko - "Princess Child"